Midwinter Doldrums
My inner critic came out raging.
The Winter solstice is the shortest day of the year and the one with the least sunlight (in the Northern Hemisphere). It marks the return of the sun. From December 21, onward, the days grow gradually longer—the light returns. The sun is visible for extended periods until the Summer solstice when we have the longest day of the year, and then cycle back to darkness. The midpoints of these cycles are marked by the Spring and Autumn Equionox’s, the days with equal light and darkness. Half sun, half moon. Yin and Yang.
Midwinter is a time of rest and renewal. Many living plants go dormant. Animals hibernate. Yet, we humans, exhaust ourselves, particularly Americans, with our frenetic, driven, hyperactive lifestyles, disconnected from human encounter, tethered via phones and technology. We view life through artifical filters, buying neck creams, beauty polish, lipstain, and under eye correctors hawked by influencers, celebrities, and possibly our neighbor cocooned in their home with a ring light, a microphone, and a smartphone.
January is often dark and cold (like December). Yes, the days are slowly growing longer which gives me hope, while fires rage in California whipped by 100 mile per hour Santa Ana winds and I, living in the high desert of Santa Fe, NM worry about the lack of snow, rain, or any kind of moisture. In Texas, where the rivers are drying up and the reservoirs depleted, Elon Musk is trying to find 8,000,000 gallons of water to run his Tesla plant. Water, that is currently not available, and will be taken from where? From whom? These thoughts depress me. I don’t want to be ignorant, but I cannot focus on the tragedies swirling around me, particularly the ones I have no influence, power, control, or ability to change: global warming; the new president; war and hatred.
Earlier this year I was at Ten Thousand Waves, enjoying a soak and a much needed shiatsu massage. I sat in the sauna with a native man. I went in, came out, went back in and he remained in the sauna. He told me he was training his body to endure the coming heat as the planet warms. But even thirty minutes in a sauna is not the same as hours of 100+ degree temperatures. Will any of us survive? Not likely. It reminded me of the movies we were shown in school when I was growing up. Nuclear apocalypse. People living underground because above ground was no longer safe. The people with bunkers filled with freeze-dried food, water, and ammunition. That doesn’t sound like living to me. I do not choose to survive that way. I do not choose that version of the game of life.
The version I choose is more propitious. I am learning to be more positive, more hope-filled, have more faith. I have disengaged myself from negative people, negative thoughts, the news of the day, things I have no control over. Is it Pollyanna? Am I wearing rose-colored glasses? Or am I putting focus and energy toward my belief in the power of optimism, manifestation, visualization, in an attempt to focus all my energy on what is good. On love.
I see it as the later, yet, I am also a realist. A friend has a vision for a business. It’s a good idea. She is excited and focused and uber confident in herself and her concept. I love it. I love to see her passion and belief in herself. I want her to succeed. But there is a part of me that looks at her idea and has questions, just as people have asked me questions about Creator Luminosity. How is it different from the hundreds of other people doing Creativity work? What is your unique selling proposition? How is your novel different from the thousands of others out there? And when these questions arise and take root, they bring with them all the other seeds of doubt that live within me. The ones I am trying to eradicate. They burst forth and threaten to choke out the crop I am cultivating. It happened to me the week of Christmas. I fell into a swirling storm of tear-filled melancholy and self-doubt.
Had I over watered or under watered my positive outlook, my faith, my visions and dreams. Were steps missing? Actions not taken? Or had my dormant anxiety, my inner critic, somehow sprung to life trying to choke out my self confidence? She did, for a few days. Once unleashed on my writing not going well (see, you can’t write, this is not good enough). Then she took aim at everything in my life (you are not good enough). She criticized my finances (you are bad with money, you can’t afford your life), my physical body and appearance (flabby arms and tummy, turkey neck, and creepy skin), my life choices, friendships (you’re not a good friend and see, why does that one person no longer want to meet you for breakfast), relationships (you’re not a good mom), my work (you’re not hitting your goal), everything. My initial response was to hack at that critic and cut her down, but that doesn’t work, so I sat and listened. I heard her. I didn’t argue or counter her points. It’s not a debate I will win. She will double down and find alternative facts that will continue my spiral. I listened. I made adjustments. Yes. I’ll tighten my budget and be more responsible. Okay, the middle parts of the novel need more work. I’m not going to make my mid-January deadline for a completed draft for beta readers. That’s ok. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep working at it. I took an online class. I read up on story structure and plot again. I re-crafted the plot points to see where I needed to strengthen and adjust. I pulled out my Growth and Marketing Plan for Creator Luminosity. I reached out to the silent friend. I went and spent time with my dearest cousins and aunt.
I have to pull the inner critic up by the roots, not just cut her off for her to continue to spread and sprout.
There is a way to speak and disagree. This is true in life as well as with our internal voices.
Be respectful. They are not inferior. I am not superior.
Treat the other with dignity. Don’t assume they haven’t done their homework and give them time to consider different perspectives. But also hear their point of view.
Don’t be overly humble or too nice. Be direct. Be clear.
Value everyone’s opinion. Don’t focus on winning, focus on the end goal. The big picture.
Understand the role of ego. Our own big egos will have absurd explanations for poor decisions. Redirect them to see the bigger picture. Don’t focus on the one mistake. Find a way to move forward.
Don’t put someone on the spot when emotions are high. Have a one-on-one conversation when more level heads will prevail. This can be difficult when one is in a downward spiral.
Keep the goal in mind. Focus on the outcomes. Don’t let emotions cloud your judgment, and don’t let your judgment silence your emotions.
I, (we) can apply these tools to our all or nothing anxious thoughts, our overly dramatic inner voices. I’m 59 1/2 and still learning these lessons. I’m still a work in progress and will be until the day I die. But I am working. I am progressing. I am adapting and changing and growing.
It is midwinter and the nights are long, the days short. I honor the dormant time, the hibernating time, the renewal, the germination happening in the seeds of dreams burrowed within, waiting to grow and bloom. I may not yet know my unique selling proposition and that’s ok. I’ll curl up with a good book and a cup of coziness, my journal, and I’ll figure it out. I’ll focus on the things I can control. I’ll continue to love others and myself—including my inner critic.
Wow- winter is a hard time- but you got this girl 🩷Thanks for writing what I too have experienced!!